The Power of Loving Awareness

Life is hard, and it might get harder. So, where could mindfulness or loving awareness fit in when survival feels tenuous and ultimately temporary?

Recently, I listened to a good friend sharing painful accounts of his health crisis, the loss of his sister to cancer, and how his work is suffering as a result. It all sounded pretty grim. I could sense his anxiety and distress, so I told him that sometimes I cheer myself up with this image: It’s like we’re on the Titanic and we’re all going down, but it’s ok because we have our arms around each other as we sink into the ocean.

After a moment of stunned silence, my friend said, “Is that your idea of comforting me?”

After a moment of stunned silence, my friend said, “Is that your idea of comforting me? That we’re on the Titanic as it’s sinking!!?” And then, because he knows I practice mindfulness, he added: “Is this your idea of mindfulness?”

I paused to reflect for a moment and replied, “Well, I guess I’m being mindful that this is my thought, and that by acknowledging it I can gently and kindly be present to whatever it brings up. Besides, I’m focusing on the part that we all have our arms around each other.”

I mean, c’mon. Yes, there is so much unhinging crap that we have to wade through every day. And most of us have very little control over important things that affect our safety and well-being, so it makes sense that uncertainty brings up worry and anxiety.

So, how could mindfulness hope to solve this? Good question!

Here’s how it’s worked for me.

Noticing What Brings Me Closer

For decades, all my plans to drink more water, practice the piano, and regularly go to the gym never seemed to gain traction. But I’ve kept returning to a mindfulness practice, even though it can be irritating to become more aware, like when I realize I’m judging, or that I just want to keep judging or gossiping, or stay impatient or demanding. It’s easier, often, just to carry on with the slime.

It can be irritating to become more aware, like when I realize I’m judging, or that I just want to keep judging or gossiping, or stay impatient or demanding.

But then, much to the chagrin of that part of me that just wants to scream into people’s faces, years of practicing mindfulness cause me to stop and look at whatever strong thoughts and emotions I’m laying myself open to and ask this question: “Will leaning into hate and divisiveness take me closer to, or further from, who I really want to be?”

Spoiler alert: it never takes me closer.

Not to mention that rage-venting also does NOT make those bad feelings go away. Actually, it usually makes them worse. The ragey-ness supports a dark narrative, blocks nourishing positive interactions, and cuts me off from more complicated emotions, the ones I could see, welcome, and learn from if I had enough calm and presence.

So, a mindfulness question: What meaning arises when we show up with loving awareness…no matter what’s happening?

When It’s the Most Difficult Is Often When We Need It Most

My mother lies dying in front of me. There are no words left to exchange. I hold her hand quietly for hour upon hour. She does not appear to be conscious, but I figure, you never know. I hold her close, no cell phone scrolling, just loving presence. I hope this might help her feel that she is safe and surrounded by caring love…wherever she is. 

I have a thought: I am ferrying her from this side to the other. And I don’t want her to be afraid, since nothing can stop her from going.

I have a thought: I am ferrying her from this side to the other. And I don’t want her to be afraid, since nothing can stop her from going. Every once in a while, I tell her that everything is OK, and that she can go anytime she needs to.

At the end, at her end, there was nothing to do. There was only loving awareness. “Hello, Mom. Fran. Frances. You’re not alone. Do you feel my hand? Love is here with you. And, we are taking that ferry together, as far as I am allowed to go.”

And then I let go.

I could not stop my mother from dying. Not only that, I’ve not been able to stop the climate crisis, or prevent so much gut-wrenching harm.

Mindfulness might not change an outcome, but it can reduce suffering by increasing loving connection.

Sometimes loving awareness might mean finding your voice, or your courage, and taking action against harms. Sometimes it might come down to bravely bearing witness to others’ suffering. Mindfulness might not change an outcome, but it can reduce suffering by increasing loving connection.

In fact, in my experience, that is a superpower.

You might meet people who practice mindfulness and still aren’t very nice. Well, mindfulness isn’t necessarily going to immediately make any of us a nicer or more loving or less judgy person. That requires choosing to take the actions that loving awareness illuminates, over and over again.

Practicing mindfulness can help us step back and hold ourselves in loving awareness before we lose our cool. And by using a mindful approach, we can learn to break habits like viewing everything and everyone as the enemy. We can learn how to intentionally engage with our vagus nerve to help regulate the body’s stress response. It can be as ordinary as extending your out-breath, a simple technique for helping the body stabilize.

When we are already feeling rocky, automatic thoughts and fears often trigger a threat response, appropriate when there’s danger to escape from. But without mindful awareness, we risk remaining caught in that response long after it’s helpful. When we get stuck in a dark narrative, when we don’t accept the invitation that loving awareness offers us, we can end up unintentionally zapping ourselves with adrenaline and cortisol, amping up our stress over and over, which you may have noticed is very depleting.

Try This Loving Awareness Practice

1. Find a comfortable place to sit, stand, or lie down.
2. Gently place a loving hand on your body.
3. Feel yourself making contact with the floor or the chair, your cheek, your heart, whatever you are touching.
4. Bring your attention to three breaths: in for a count of three and out for a count of five.
5. If you can, imagine that you have a radiant sun in your chest. Picture it shining a bright, unstoppable light from the front and the back.
6. If you are willing, say to yourself, “I am loving awareness. Anything that touches my awareness touches love.” Let yourself shine like the sun, and notice how it makes you feel to radiate this positive, shiny love message to all that you encounter.

When we practice loving awareness, we are inviting ourselves to notice whatever shows up, without judgment. This might include how unpleasant it can feel to sit in so-called silence. At first, we might be overwhelmed by the busy buzzing blender of thoughts going on in our heads. You can picture your thoughts as grains of sand in a jar of muddy water. Shake the jar up and notice how long it takes for all the grains to settle. So, a few minutes of focused meditation might help some of your thoughts settle. But there are so many! That means you might not notice much difference at first.

Keep practicing.

Practice includes noticing what you’ve been ignoring, like unpleasant sensations of tightness and tension in your body, or difficult emotions you’ve spent years suppressing.

There are a million ways to practice mindfulness. For instance, you might try hugging yourself, or placing a kind hand on your cheek or forehead or belly. When you do, notice how a tender touch increases your loving awareness.

This means having space for all the wildness, and choosing to hold it all with love. That’s the power of loving awareness.