On a busy road in a neighborhood in the city where I live, there was a garage door I used to give the finger to every time I passed by.
It was a pretty regular garage door in every way, except that stenciled on it, in two-foot-high letters, were the words be grateful.
Nothing got my back up like that garage door.
“What on earth are you doing,” my husband asked, the first time I broke out of our conversation to flip a door the bird.
“That garage door doesn’t get to tell me how to be,” I groused. “It’s so sanctimonious. It makes me sick.” I continued to give the door the middle finger as we passed by.
“It’s only asking you to be grateful,” he said, shaking his head, no doubt wondering who he had married.
“I’m very grateful,” I sneered. “Not that it’s any of that door’s business.”
We would repeat this scenario once a week or so for about a decade and a half, till someone else bought the house and painted over the gratitude imperative. (Now my husband gives the door the finger whenever we drive by.)
Surely gratitude is at its best when it arises naturally, rather than when we’re scolded into it.
The imperative to “be grateful” is hard to argue with (and believe me, I have tried.) Science, many world religions, mothers, common sense, and that garage door all agree that an attitude of gratitude will do you—and those around you—good in the long run. Gratitude helps us rewire our brain to feel happier, soothes our nervous system, fuels healthy habits, and increases kindness and connection within our communities. I’m not immune to this scientific evidence, nor to the persuasiveness of the role I’ve seen gratitude play in my own life, shaving the edges off bad days, hard times, and challenging moments. But surely gratitude is at its best when it arises naturally, rather than when we’re scolded into it. Be grateful for the twinge in your back from stacking wood, at least you have wood to stack, and the ability to stack it, a phrase like be grateful seems to nag, wagging its finger as it does (or is that my finger that’s wagging?).
When we harangue ourselves and others into conjuring up some half-hearted gratitude, we’re not exactly honoring the kind of awareness of the present moment that can lead to genui