Mindful

People often ask me what sex and meditation have to do with each other. A lot! I want to holler. But since my meditation teacher side is not supposed to holler, I calmly explain that mindfulness is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip. In addition to mind, we are to embody fullness by bringing rapt attention to all five senses. Then my noisier sex therapist side chimes in that we do have a naked body under those yoga clothes, and that it would be a shame to waste it. Which brings us to mindful loving.

Imagine meditating on something as simple as a raisin. Truly see its wrinkly beauty, smell vineyards and sunlight, caress it with your tongue, hear a slight sigh as you bite down, and taste the flood of sweet textured release. Mmm. Well, you just made love with that raisin.

If you bring that level of full sensual curiosity to your sweetheart, mindfulness makes you a way better lover. After all, typical sex is the antithesis of mindful. We shove the present moment aside in a rush to the finale, escape into sexual fantasy, and focus on what we get rather than what we give.

With mindful sensuality, the invitation is to slow down, explore the moment as it is, and exchange profound emotional and sensory communion. By paying deep attention to our lover’s body and heart as well as our own, we discover that arousal is just the beginning. Sexual meditation can create both transcendent presence and intense pleasure—including multiple, extended, and full-body orgasms.

Forget fantasy. It turns out that the mindful exploration of reality is really hot. So let’s get started.

Tips for Mindful Loving

Awakened Kissing

Kiss the way you did when you were 16, focusing every bit of your sexual energy on lips and tongues as you nibble and probe. Bite a strawberry and create a seductive shared meditation that’d make a raisin blush.

You, Me, Here, Now

Slowly undress your lover. Tease and arouse them from head to toes. Trace fingernails along their wrist, blow on their lower back, lick their soles. Trickle warm oil onto their nipples and thighs. Tease and stroke their clitoris or penis tip. Bring your sweetheart to the edge of orgasm, then slow down and start anew.

Orgasmic Bliss

Have your lover sit facing you. Straddle him or her, wrapping your legs around them. Hold a deep eye gaze while you slowly begin to move in spiritual sexual union. Just before orgasm, imagine a ball of light where your bodies join. Visualize pulling light up your spine and through your heart to your partner. Allow the self to dissolve into thought-free waves of shared pleasure, from me to we to all. Now isn’t panting a fun way to focus on your breath?

This article also appeared in the December 2014 issue of Mindful magazine.
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Cheryl Fraser

Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D is a writer, speaker and meditation teacher. She is the relationship columnist for Mindful. Cheryl works with couples in her private practice, and she brings her work to larger audiences through the Become Passion CD home workshop and the Awakened Lover weekend. Her Mindful Loving practices help people rewrite their love stories, mindfully.

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