Valentine’s Day—a sweet sexy reminder to wow your mate with passion and appreciation, or a Hallmark holiday that pressures you to cough up romance on demand? Your response to this single-item test is telling. Sure, it’s easy to be cynical on February 14 and ignore the whole thing, or grab a random card because if you don’t your partner pouts until spring. But if you see only the superficialities, you are missing the possibilities. For love itself is…well, great, and celebrating is not cliché. So this year, instead of refusing to participate, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love mindfully.

My granddad Norman was great at mindful loving. He first laid his sparkling blue eyes on my petite blonde grandmother Evelyn at a Valentine’s dance. Though she was engaged to another man, he wooed her, won her, wed her. Together they shared affection and passion over a lifetime that ranged from wartime to hard-won success. Their retirement was filled with RV trips and tango dancing. Sixty years after that first meeting, his eyes, now old and pale, still lit up with delight every time she walked into a room.

Most of us know a couple like my grandparents, and we want that sort of love affair, too. None of us plan to become the couple staring blankly across the restaurant table with nothing to say. But great relationships are created, not discovered. As marriage researcher John Gottman says, love is the conscious decision to magnify and cherish your partner’s positive traits and minimize the negatives. And that is what my grandparents did. When the first flush of romance wore off they worked to make sure the real romance got stronger and stronger.

Remember, “love” is a verb. Are you so busy that you forget to prioritize romance? Be honest. How strong is your current love connection on a scale from zero to 10? If it’s less than 10, the Mindfulness Cupid is here to give you a poke.

Treat Valentine’s Day like a meditation bell, reminding you to slow down and show up for love, over and over again.

Tips for Mindful Loving

Remember why you love them

Take each sighting of cheap chocolates or drooping roses as a cue to take a mindful breath. Then connect with your heart. Recall special moments the two of you have shared—your first kiss, what they wore on your wedding day, the most outrageous place you’ve made love. Later, share those memories with your sweetie and celebrate some of the moments that led you along the path to now.

Commit to date your mate

Give the gift of interest and time, and book non-negotiable weekly dates. Try recreating your first date, but tell each other what you were privately thinking and feeling during that life-changing encounter. Plan occasional adventures—research shows that novelty and excitement heighten sexual attraction, so skip the movie and head for a climbing wall, an erotic massage class, or a spot for skinny dipping.

This article also appeared in the February 2015 issue of Mindful magazine.
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Cheryl Fraser

Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D is a writer, speaker and meditation teacher. She is the relationship columnist for Mindful. Cheryl works with couples in her private practice, and she brings her work to larger audiences through the Become Passion CD home workshop and the Awakened Lover weekend. Her Mindful Loving practices help people rewrite their love stories, mindfully.


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