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Even today, the idea of loving ourselves often gets a bad rap. Won’t that make me egotistical? we might think, or, Shouldn’t I spend my time and energy caring for others first? Or, we seek love and acceptance exclusively from other people, forgetting that we can always find them within ourselves.
Both mindfulness teaching and scientific studies show that, far from leading to self-indulgence, a daily practice of self-compassion can have powerful benefits that extend beyond ourselves. As leading Mindful Self-Compassion researcher Kristin Neff writes, “We can learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, despite inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive.”
Benefits of Self-Love
With inspiration from our community of mindfulness teachers and experts, we’re sharing five reasons for everyone to cultivate self-love.
1. Loving yourself supports improved mental health and well-being, as well as positive habit change. Many of us were brought up to think that being kind to ourselves is equivalent to being complacent or lacking the drive to “better” ourselves. Whole sections of the self-help industry have made millions off this assumption that we need “tough love” to force ourselves to change. Fortunately, current research shows that the reverse is true.
As clinical psychologist and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy trainer Diana Hill shares, “Self-criticism lowers your self-confidence and increases anxiety and depression, undermining your ability to take steps toward change. In contrast, self-compassion motivates you to make healthier decisions and care for yourself.”
2. Self-love is part of healing from hurt and trauma. Once thought to be a result of living through catastrophic events such as wars or natural disasters, trauma is now more broadly understood by researchers as “normal reactions to abnormal circumstances.” Whether or not a person experiences trauma after going through something difficult depends on a complex set of factors, including available coping mechanisms, access to the resources needed to bounce back, and community response.
While it is important that anyone seeking to heal from trauma be supported by a mental health professional, beginning to cultivate self-love is one powerful tool for a healing journey. When we offer ourselves care and compassion, this helps create a sense of inner safety and acceptance, instead of (in many cases) blaming ourselves for something that happened to us. Ali Smith, Atman Smith, and Andres Gonzalez, who work with youth in disadvantaged communities in West Baltimore, summarize this by saying: “Trauma closes all of our hearts. Self-love practices can open them.”
3. Self-love creates more thoughtful, resilient leaders. All types of leaders risk burning out, whether they are responsible for a committee, a company, or a classroom. Leaders often care so much about the work itself—and about the people they are leading—that they neglect their own well-being. While genuine care for others is a leadership asset, it isn’t sustainable if we never take the time to fill our own cup.
CEO and leadership consultant Georgina Miranda suggests several ways that we can incorporate small habits of self-love and self-care into our leadership style: “When the world feels heavy and overwhelming, we can take a pause and ask ourselves: What would actually be helpful in this moment?”
4. Self-compassion makes us braver, more mindful communicators. Most of us prefer to avoid what Mitch Abblett calls “the muck of difficult interactions—the blame, shame, resentment, and anxiety,” if we have the option. Even if we are willing to talk about the problem, humans are neurologically wired to slip into reactive habits such as blaming, bias, or defensiveness.
When the time comes for a tough conversation, a foundation of self-love is our ally. Self-compassion practice allows us to stay grounded and present in the moment, so even if things start to get heated, we are able to engage with respect and consideration for all involved. Abblett says, “Bringing more flexible awareness to discomfort seems to open pathways to communication, even when it’s quite challenging.”
5. Last but not least, loving yourself affirms that you are already enough. One reason we often seek love from others instead of ourselves is that we want someone else’s approval and acceptance–things we often don’t feel we can give to ourselves. We may spend years chasing accomplishments and accolades, and yet still feel unfulfilled. External “wins” are wonderful, but if we can’t accept ourselves as we are, it will never feel like enough.
Jenée Johnson offers this reminder that self-compassion empowers us to release perfectionism and realize that we are already worthy of acceptance and love: “You are a unique and perfect expression of life. No one before you and no one after you, is like you. Your journey is composed of experiences and the things you think,