Let’s talk about forgiveness.
I’ve been a practitioner and teacher of mindfulness for over 30 years. In my experience, much of what is taught about forgiveness creates a false division. We tend to emphasize the tender-inner-reflective processes of “forgive and forget” forgiveness, almost to the exclusion of outer “remember and engage” forgiveness—what, with a bow to Kristin Neff, I call “fierce” forgiveness. Neff is a mindful self-compassion pioneer and associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. She enhanced the profoundly beneficial practices of tender self-compassion with what she calls “fierce self-compassion.” In this article, I encourage all of us to do the same with our forgiveness practice, embracing “fierce forgiveness,” and ultimately embodying a radical, both/and forgiveness practice.
Rachael Denhollander, one of the hundreds of gymnasts abused by sports osteopath Larry Nassar, exquisitely embodies the grace and power of combining tender and fierce forgiveness to create real, robust, radical forgiveness. She says “I release bitterness and anger and a desire for personal vengeance. It does not mean that I minimize or mitigate or excuse what he has done. It does not mean that I pursue justice on earth any less zealously. It simply means that I release personal vengeance against him.”
“Forgiveness must be coupled with justice.”
Rachael Denhollander
She goes on to say, “Forgiveness must be coupled with justice,” and, “the extent that one is willing to speak out against their own community is the bright line test for how much they care and how much they understand.” Within the context of Denhollander’s interview, I believe she means how much one cares and understands about harm, injustice, suffering, and what we in the mindfulness community call “right action.”
This piece is intended to be personal, raw and messy, not just for me, but also you, dear reader. It’s an invitation for each of us to “get real” about the often excruciating rigor of responsive forgiveness practice.
Please know it’s essential that each person, especially victims of trauma, determine for themselves if, when, and how they wish to forgive. If a friend, family member, therapist, or any other probably well-intentioned person pressures you to forgive, it may minimize the harm you experienced and minimizing is a form of retraumatization.
My Evolving Forgiveness Practice
When I first encountered Denhollander’s writing on forgiveness in 2018, I didn’t know that I was being emotionally and spiritually abused. In August of 2020, a neuropsychologist determined that my 31-year relationship with my then life coach/spiritual teacher was a relationship of undue influence. Simply put, this means the teacher had been coercing and controlling me to act for her benefit and to my detriment.
The moment the neuropsychologist uttered the phrase “relationship of undue influence,” I experienced a soul-shattering recognition of decades of abuse. Heartbreakingly, I also realized that I was responsible for others, including a loved one, being unduly influenced by the same teacher. At the time of this writing, the teacher’s influence on my loved one continues and my loved one is estranged.
My healing journey compelled me to examine how we in the mindfulness community typically teach forgiveness, and to explore how fierce, outer, engaged forgiveness complements the tender, inner, reflective forgiveness practices our community (and society in general) so often emphasizes.
I chose to use this personal experience to wrestle with what it means to forgive. My healing journey compelled me to examine how we in the mindfulness community typically teach forgiveness, and to explore how fierce, outer, engaged forgiveness complements the tender, inner, reflective forgiveness practices our community (and society in general) so often emphasizes. I deeply value tender forgiveness practice. And I now believe that it’s most skillful when it’s discerningly balanced with fierce practice.
With that context, let’s explore the practice of forgiveness. Below I offer quotes from esteemed teachers in the mindfulness community, paired with my reflections and questions.
Forgiveness and Anger Can Coexist
My dear colleague Christiane Wolf, a physician and mindfulness teacher, writes: