If mindfulness can make us happier, healthier, and more compassionate (that is, if the raft of current scientific research is to be believed), what can that same moment-to-moment awareness do for our sex lives? Imagine the possibilities.
On the face of it, having enjoyable, loving sex seems like the last thing we might be inclined to tune out. But we all know the kind of mind-wandering that can strike even in the midst of great pleasures. From a mental replay of the staff meeting earlier in the day to obsessing about the final luscious peak of the sex you’re having in that very moment, in lovemaking, as in life, tuning out is a part of being human that’s very difficult to turn off.
That’s where mindfulness comes in.
But before we go there, let’s admit: sex is tricky to talk about. It’s either too much information or not enough. And it’s probably the most subjective thing you’re likely to have an opinion on. (Substitute one little word in “I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like,” and you’ve got it just about right.)
It’s challenging because our sexuality is such an essential part of who we are. It’s energy that flows through us whether we’re in a softly lit bedroom or not. And it’s energy we continually need to respond to and guide. (If we didn’t, chances are making chitchat with, say, your dry cleaner could develop into something pretty awkward and inappropriate.)
But get two people sharing some intimate space and toss in a little attraction, and “guide” doesn’t exactly cover it. The energy is palpable, positive, pleasurable. The very best sex happens when we tap into and are at play with that nearly untamable energy: yours, mine, ours. We don’t own it or possess it (or the other person, for that matter), but we get to dance with something more powerful than us for a little while. It’s the difference between chess and tango.
And being mindfully aware in situations like that can work wonders. Or so researchers at Brown University found. Their study was designed to measure the effect of mindfulness on sexual arousal. They found that compared to the control group, who did not practice mindfulness, the 44 women who took a three-month mindfulness meditation course (and who spent some time looking at racy pictures) reported feeling much more aroused, much more quickly.
Increased awareness was the key, according to Gina Silverstein, the study’s lead author. Mindful sex involves being able to observe and describe what’s happening inside your body and mind without sorting experiences into “bad” and “good” or trying to change your feelings. When we are able to do that, Silverstein says, we can “turn off the autopilot.”
Studies have also shown that long-term meditators experience increased cortical gyrification (folding) of the brain’s insula. Doesn’t sound terribly erotic, does it? Until you read another study from Dartmouth that found women with more gyrified insula experience more intense orgasms.
If you’re curious, then, the first, best, and simplest step you can take toward more mindful, and hence more enjoyable, sex is engaging in a daily mindfulness practice. It gradually trains your mind to pay attention (in all areas of life) and cuts down stress. And stress is a famous turnoff, a true killer of pleasure.
Over the past two decades, many researchers have documented the benefits of mindfulness. It turns out they’ve also gained some helpful insights that can be applied specifically to sexual experience. Read on and love better.
Let your heart be present…and your mind, too
“When you hear the word mindfulness, you have to understand that it is presence of heart.” That’s what Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction founder, told a recent seminar for the Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley. As he pointed out, the Chinese character for “mindfulness” combines the ideograms for presence and heart.
That’s a good definition to keep in mind when it’s time to romp and roll—because surely that’s when we most want our hearts to be present.
This is a good place to talk about orgasms. Sometimes we get so busy pursuing them as a goal that we forget to notice what’s happening right now. The heart can’t be present because there are other organs driving the encounter. “Orgasm is a good thing, but there’s more to it than genital friction,” says Marsha Lucas, a neuropsychologist and author of the new book Rewire Your Brain for Love. “Orgasm can obscure everything else that is along the path. Mindfulness helps you see what else is there.”
For many people, mindfulness during sex comes naturally. But, alas, it’s also natural for our minds to wander or for anxiety to eat away at the edges of our awareness (and enjoyment). From playing pornographic films in our brains, evaluating our own sexual performance, worrying about the kids, or wondering what our butt looks like, there is ample opportunity to zone out.
And sometimes, the distractions come from outside—this is especially true for parents of young children. My wife and I both fret that our son will wake up in the night and try to find mommy and daddy while we’re having special mommy and daddy time. That kind of conditioning is partially why new parents can fall into the dreaded no-sex pattern.
Or we can start to associate sex with premature ejaculation or breaking condoms or not being happy about our bodies. When it becomes a source of anxiety, sex easily becomes more trouble than it’s worth, with the inevitable consequences that brings to our relationship.
The problem is we’re wired to look out for threats—like, say, a lover making a sarcastic comment or a toddler bursting into the room. This is a trait psychologists call “negativity bias,” which means that bad things make a bigger impression on our brains than good things.
“That can happen with sexual experience,” says Lucas. Negativity bias can arise from experiences with sexual violence, and researchers are finding mindfulness to be an effective treatment for abuse survivors.
Mindfulness training helps, says Lucas, because “you’re more empowered when you know what’s happening in your body and mind. If you notice when you’re distracted, then you can keep coming back; you can tell the difference