During my first day of graduate school to become a psychologist, a wise, mischievous, provocative professor said to us:
Human suffering is often about freedom and containment. When we have too much containment, we scream for freedom. “Let me be me! I need space! Don’t tell me what to do!” But when we have too much freedom, we start to feel adrift. Fearful. Lost in space… and suddenly we are longing for containment. “Hold me close! I need to feel safe!”
My years of work as a therapist, professor, and community member—did I mention that I live in a cooperative household of eight adults?—have made the wisdom of this insight so clear to me. Our interpersonal upsets and inner pain are so frequently a form of rebelling against too much containment (“Don’t fence me in!”) or protesting not enough contact or security (“Where did you GO?”)
What does all of this have to do with a global pandemic, social distancing, and the disruption of everything?
Our everyday social structures have been altered, and some have even (temporarily, at least) evaporated. These structures normally create connection: in meetings and at the water cooler at work, in class and at the playground at school, at the gym and the coffee shop. Importantly, they also create distance: We say goodbye to our partners and kids in the morning, and we greet them again in the evening. All of this happens automatically, without much effort on our parts. And while we like to rail against these structures (“Same old, same old, every day”), when they are suddenly removed, people respond in interesting ways.
Three Ways People React to the Sudden Loss of Normal
- Some may initially delight in newfound freedom—the removal of constraint. “I can do whatever I want to! Netflix, PJ’s, and chocolate all day!” It’s delicious—for a moment.
- Others might be initially terrified by newly imposed constraints. Children home all day every day. Spouses suddenly inhabiting the same space 24/7. No more trips to the gym, a restaurant, a library; many of our local parks are even off-limits. “I gotta get out of here. I can’t breathe!”
- Still others are feeling anxiety, or even terror, about the sudden, yawning horizon of solitude. No social events, no classes, no sports . . . just aloneness. “Is anybody out there? What will I DO with all this time?”
It’s normal to stagger when the old structures are swept away.
Whatever our first reaction, most of us are likely feeling the creeping presence of something we typically like to avoid. An emotion, a persistent mood, a relationship, a life challenge that is neatly tucked away into the background, until it’s not—and its emergence is unnerving, unwelcome, and sometimes downright terrifying.
Four Universal Elements of Health and Well-Being
It’s normal to stagger when the old structures are swept away. And today we have the opportunity (and, frankly, the imperative) to create new norms and daily habits. Intentionally. By design. For our well-being, and the well-being of our families and communities, we are called upon to actually generate sustainable structures that produce sanity, health, and human thriving.
How? At Open Source Wellness—of which I am Co-Founder and Executive Director—we start by creating daily structures around a “Universal Prescription” for health and well-being: Move, Nourish, Connect, Be.
Whether we’re in generally good health or struggling with chronic physical or psychological challenges, every person needs these four things, every day:
1. Move. Our bodies need to move. Every day. They need to stretch, reach, twist, bend, step, sweat, to whatever degree works for our unique shapes and constitutions.
2. Nourish. A balanced and nutritious meal sets us up for steady energy, mood, and motivation throughout the day. This doesn’t mean banning or outlawing the small treats that bring us joy, but rather setting up a daily meal structure that fills our bellies with nourishing, healthy foods.
3. Connect. We need to feel seen, heard, and understood by other people—and to extend the same to them in return. The developer and philanthropist James Rouse famously said, “A healthy community is a garden to grow people in.” We can create community as medicine for ourselves, our families, and our societies.
4. Be. Amidst all the “doing”—the preparing, protecting, adjusting, coping, responding, providing, procuring—humans need moments to simply BE. We need to pause, regularly and long enough to let our nervous system come back to baseline.
Take the Quiz: Where are you on a scale from frazzled to balanced?
How are you doing with each of the four aspects of the “Universal Prescription?”
First, grab a pen and your journal (or a piece of paper). Try rating each aspect (Move, Connect, Nourish, and Be) on a scale from 1-10, with 1 being “I’m nowhere near meeting my goals for this,” and 10 being “I’m feeling great about this, and my behavior is totally aligned with my values.”
Remember, the aim of this quiz isn’t to judge yourself—it’s simply to be honest about where you are, so you can make informed choices.
Also, as you do this personal wellbeing assessment for yourself, what do you notice? Which of these four practices do you incorporate effortlessly, as a part of your daily routine? Which ones might need a bit more attention, more practice, more cultivation? You might also add a line for each aspect about why you gave the rating you did, and one small, concrete experiment you could try to see if it makes a difference!
1. Where are you with your movement goals?(1 on your scale might be “Um… What movement goals?” while 10 might be “I’m rocking my daily movement practice and feel great about it!”
2. How are you eating lately?(1 being “Oh dear. Strictly gummy bears and soda for the past 2 weeks,” and 10 being “This is the healthiest I’ve ever eaten!”
3. How are you doing with connectingand finding strength in a sense of community? (1 being, perhaps, “I’ve completely lost touch with the people who are important to me,