Q: I’m a wife, mother, and bank manager and these days I feel like I am failing at all of it. I meditate each morning and do yoga, but I’m still tired, stressed, and cranky, and I drop more balls than I catch. Why am I so lousy at having it all?
The Myth of “Having It All”
A: You can have it all—as long as your version of “all” includes a nervous breakdown.
Let’s let go of the phrase life–work balance for a moment. Whoever coined it might benefit from actually standing on a see-saw: a balancing act is inherently precarious, exhausting, and impossible to maintain for long.
Many women come to me for help with anxiety and exhaustion. They’re wracked with guilt because they can’t find time to bake homemade cupcakes for the school sale when they have a year-end report due. Just like you, they’re sleep-deprived (yet somehow can find a couple of hours for junk TV—hmm).
They talk about their own mothers in almost mythic tones—women who baked and sewed, kept house, and met their women friends for long lunches.
Here’s what we gently remember together:
- Their moms did not wake up before dawn to hit the gym.
- They did not drive three kids to fifteen different after-school activities.
- They did not carry a smartphone that pinged with work emails at 10 p.m.
Researchers at the University of Toronto have found that “boundary-spanning” work demands—like taking calls or answering emails during family or personal time—harm psychological health. Women, in particular, report more guilt and distress when they have to respond to work messages outside of working hours.
Sound familiar?
You’re not bad at having it all. You’re trying to do too much in a culture that keeps moving the bar.
So the first mindful step is simple, and not easy:
You are trying to do too much. It’s okay to stop.
How Mindfulness Helps You Step Out of Busyness
The practice of mindfulness can’t magically clear your schedule or raise your children and write your reports for you.
But it can:
- Help you sit still in the middle of daily chaos
- Train your mind to be a little more calm and a little more realistic
- Support you in re-examining your priorities
By sitting and focusing on your breath without an agenda—and without judging your experience as good or bad—you gradually develop the capacity to pause in the midst of the maelstrom.
Mindfulness also gently asks a powerful question:
What really matters to you?
Not what “should” matter. What actually does.
The Glass and Rubber Balls of Your Life
The simple truth is that a working woman with a family cannot create a perfectly equal balance between all her competing demands.
Instead, imagine you’re juggling several balls:
- Marriage and family
- Health and wellness
- Career
- Social life
- Finances
- Volunteering, community, hobbies
Most of these balls are rubber. If you drop them, they will bounce. You can pick them up again later and put them back in play.
Only two of the balls are glass:
- The family ball
- The health ball
If you drop those two, they can crack or shatter.
No amount of career success—or beautifully decorated cupcakes—is worth damaging your health or your closest relationships over.
Choosing Less (On Purpose)
Instead of buying into the popular but punishing idea that a woman should “have it all,” try this:
Consciously choose to have less.
This isn’t about shrinking your life; it’s about aligning it.
Do some honest, compassionate soul-searching and ask:
- Is it more important to have extra time to cuddle the kids—or to gossip with a negative friend?
- To make love with your partner—or to run an errand that could easily be folded into a once-a-week trip to town?
- To hike with your friends—or to scroll through social media looking at photos of your friends hiking?
You must set priorities, and then—gently but firmly—embrace what I call psychological pruning.
A lot of what you’re doing is draining your life energy. Some of it simply has to go.
Rather than trying to do everything well:
- Do a few things exceptionally
- Do most things adequately
- Let a significant portion of your to-do list become a never-mind list
And when in doubt?
Sit. Breathe. Come home to yourself for a moment.
Tips for the Recovering Superwoman
Here are a few practical ways to start stepping off the hamster wheel and back into your life.
• “No” is a complete sentence.
Women often feel they have to explain, apologize, and negotiate every boundary.
The sentence is not:
“No, I’m so sorry, but I can’t, I feel terrible—well, maybe I can try—um, okay…”
Try:
“No, I can’t take that on right now.”
Decide what you can realistically commit to, and say no to the rest. Your future self will thank you.
• Don’t check work messages on personal time.
Your smartphone has an off switch. Use it often.
If you truly can’t, consider a second, personal phone and give that number only to family, close friends, and essential contacts. Create clear lines between home and office, even if they are imperfect.
• Become capital-S “Self-ish.”
This doesn’t mean being uncaring or self-absorbed. It means investing care and time in yourself.
You might:
- Seek a little solitude
- Get a pedicure or a massage
- Meet girlfriends for a monthly lunch date
- Take a walk alone without your phone
Replenish your emotional well so you have something real to offer others.
• Meditate (even briefly).
Commit to 10 minutes every morning as a start.
Why?
Because you’re worth it. And because a trained mind is a kinder, happier mind—for you and for everyone who lives with you.
• Stop beating yourself up.
Retire the Superwoman cape to the Halloween box.
You are not failing. You are a human being living in a demanding world, doing your best with limited time and energy.
You are already worthy, even when the cupcakes are store-bought and the inbox isn’t empty.
Send your questions about life, love, and mindfulness to Cheryl Fraser at hello@drcheryfraser.com.
This post was originally published on Mindful.org in June 2015.
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