In any moment as parents, we have a choice:
to react on autopilot—or to pause, breathe, and respond with intention.
I’ve watched powerful moments of mindfulness unfold:
when a parent holds their tongue instead of lashing out,
when a colleague leans in toward an angry parent instead of shutting down,
when someone stays present in a situation that most of us would rather avoid.
These moments may look small on the outside.
Inside, they can change everything.
A Small Act of Giving That Changed a Life
When I was growing up, my Assistant Scoutmaster once gave up a Saturday afternoon to help me earn my “bird study” merit badge.
He didn’t rush.
He didn’t multitask.
He simply sat with me in the woods behind my house, watching blue-jays and finches hop and flit through the branches. He brought enthusiasm and full presence to something that mattered deeply to me.
On paper, he was just helping a kid finish a badge.
In reality, he was telling me:
“You matter. Your interests matter. I see something valuable in you.”
Years later, I wrote to him to share the impact of that day.
“I am now a clinical psychologist working with at-risk kids,” I told him.
“And you taught me a lot about what it means to help a kid hang in with something that matters.”
When he let go of his own agenda for that Saturday—the errands, the lawn to mow, his own children’s needs—I got my first taste of what greater awareness feels like. That mindful choice gave me an opportunity to see new possibility in myself.
When we’re not stuck in autopilot patterns of doing and behaving, we can more readily give to others.
And that giving often brings its own quiet joy.
Seeing the Spark in Your Child
Mindful parenting doesn’t mean being perfect.
It means being willing to pause and notice what’s already good and alive in your child—even if it’s faint, even if it shows up in messy ways.
Take a quiet minute and reflect on your relationship with your child:
- What is one thing you genuinely value about them?
- What feels like a spark you could breathe life into?
Try not to focus on who they “should” be.
Instead, look for what is already there: curiosity, kindness, creativity, humor, persistence, sensitivity.
Once you’ve noticed that spark, you can begin to nurture it.
Three Ways to Parent Mindfully
1. Give Direct, Genuine Praise
Ask yourself:
How can I let my child know that I see this valuable thing in them?
You might:
- Tell them directly:
“I’ve noticed something really cool about you…” - Thank them for showing that side of themselves:
“When you helped your sister just now, I saw how caring you are. Thank you for that.”
Keep it specific and sincere. Children feel the difference.
2. Parent with Patience (Especially When They Push It Away)
Some children—especially those with low self-esteem—may struggle to take in positive feedback.
They might:
- Shrug it off
- Change the subject
- Roll their eyes
- Reject what you’re saying altogether
This doesn’t mean your words don’t matter.
It may just mean the message doesn’t yet match how they see themselves.
Don’t give up.
Many kids are used to people eventually backing off, which reinforces an old script:
“I’m not worth the effort. People always stop trying.”
Your steady, consistent appreciation can gently offer a new script:
“Maybe I am worth caring about.”
Let your child feel that you are in it for the long haul—even when they don’t respond the way you hope.
3. Let Go of Your Own Ego
You’re the adult. They’re the child.
As you support them, it helps to remember:
- This isn’t about you getting credit for being a “great parent.”
- Your child doesn’t need to perform gratitude to make your effort worthwhile.
Trust that if your message is enthusiastic and authentic, it will land in some way—even if they don’t acknowledge it in the moment.
Think of it as planting seeds:
You wouldn’t get angry at the soil because it doesn’t grow you a tree overnight.
In the same way, it doesn’t make sense to resent a child because your kindness doesn’t immediately “bear fruit” in the way you imagined.
Your job is to plant, water, and tend.
Their job is to grow in their own time.
Being Mindful with Other Parents
Mindfulness isn’t just for our interactions with children. It also becomes vital when we’re face-to-face with other parents who are overwhelmed, angry, or afraid.
I once worked with a mother whose rage was covering a deep well of fear.
I had filed a legally mandated abuse report after she struck her special needs child during an intense behavioral outburst at home. This mother was loving, engaged in treatment, and also deeply stressed. The report was required by law—but it felt like a betrayal to her.
When she confronted me, she pointed dagger-like fingers in my direction and told me how I had “F——d” her and her family.
My automatic pattern would have been to avoid conflict or to fight back, to defend myself against her accusations. Instead, I did something different.
I allowed that raw, “I failed” feeling to sit inside me.
Instead of reacting, I consciously opened to this woman’s fear and pain—and, just as importantly, to the pain and chaos in myself.
I stayed quiet.
I let the tears gather in my eyes.
I rode out wave after wave of the urge to argue, explain, or fix.
Between us there was anger, fear, and grief—and there was also a small pocket of space where something new could happen.
Later, after some time had passed, she came back to meet with me. I asked her gently:
“Did you notice my tears that day? How upset I was?”
“Yes,” she said.
“And did it help in some way—to see how I was reacting?”
She softened, so unlike that earlier day of daggers.
“Yes,” she said. “I knew you were real. I knew I could trust you.”
What opened that possibility wasn’t a perfect script or clever argument.
It was a willingness to stay present in a storm instead of armoring up or checking out.
Holding the Whole of Parenting: Pain and Love Together
Mindfulness doesn’t erase the hard parts of parenting. It doesn’t keep us from ever yelling, making mistakes, or feeling lost.
What it does offer is a different way of being with:
- Our children’s pain
- Other parents’ fear and anger
- Our own shame, grief, and love
When we learn to mind the present moment—to pause, notice, and feel without immediately reacting—we create space:
- Space for our children to feel seen.
- Space for other parents to feel less alone.
- Space for us to grow into the kind of adults we want to be.
For all parents, there is so much that can grow when we hold both the pain and the love our children bring—and when we allow ourselves to stay present with it all.
