Codependent. If any word captures the relationship between phone and user, it’s that one. And not just because we depend on our phones and our phones depend on us. Too often our “codependence” is an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship with a sleek, seductive sliver of technology. The tell-tale signs: cramps in our “texting thumbs”; sleep lost to round-the-clock games; conversations with friends and partners that go nowhere because our eyes—and attention—are plugged in elsewhere.
With tech addiction, as with all kinds of dysfunctional relationships, identifying the problem doesn’t automatically make it better. The American Psychological Association’s 2017 Stress in America report, which surveyed over 3,500 American adults, revealed that 65% believe they should periodically unplug or do a digital detox to improve their mental health. However, only 18% report actually doing so.
Phone addiction is real.
The reason lies partly in our neurochemistry. As smartphones keep us informed, connected, and distracted, our brains get used to a steady flow of stimulation. Over time, merely picking up the phone triggers the release of dopamine, that tiny blip of excitement and satisfaction. Like any high, the feel-good sensation doesn’t last and our brains hunger for the next hit. Ping! and we’re reaching for another fix: an addiction cycle that plays out, on average, 47 times per day.
The brain’s modern craving for constant connection—with one-time acquaintances, total strangers, and your cousin’s cat’s Instagram—can leave us disconnected from the people and the things that really matter. A 2018 study found participants who were highly preoccupied with their phones showed greater absent-mindedness and difficulty focusing on tasks. They also experienced less well-being and life satisfaction. Sadly, we’ve become so convinced that we need our phones all the time—to assuage our FOMO—that we’re lulled into missing out on real life. Our own well-being and relationships take a backseat.
These are the problems journalist Catherine Price set out to solve. Troubled by her own phone habits, Price researched what undergirds our tech relationships and tested ways to transform them. As described in her most recent book, How to Break Up with Your Phone, Price devised a Technology Triage that is a gentle yet motivating warm-up for creating healthier phone boundaries. You’ll jump-start the practice of mindfully noticing how you relate to your phone, and learn to shift from self-sabotaging phone habits to new patterns that leave time and mental freedom for the people, experiences, and dreams you really care about.
Monday: Download a Tracking App
The first step is to compare the amount of time we think we’re spending on our phones to how much time we’re actually spending on them. Start by jotting down your answers to these questions:
- If you had to guess, how many times a day do you think you pick up your phone?
- How much time do you estimate that you spend on it per day?
Next, download a time-tracking app that will automatically monitor how often you reach for your phone and how long you spend on it. (Use a third-party app or a built-in tracking feature, such as Screen Time for iOS, to determine how much time you are spending on your phone each day, and on which apps.) Don’t try to change anything yet about your behavior; our goal is just to gather data. We’ll touch base about your results in a few days.
Tuesday: Assess Your Current Relationship
Now that you’ve got a tracking app up and running in the background, pull out a notebook or create a new email message to yourself (or just get a pen and write in the margins) and write a few sentences in response to the following questions:
- What do you love about your phone?
- What don’t you love about your phone?
- What changes do you notice in yourself—positive or negative—when you spend a lot of time on your phone? (Depending on how old you are, you can also ask yourself if you’ve noticed any changes since you got a smartphone.) For example, you may have noticed that you automatically start reading news and checking apps, instead of observing what’s going on around you. Maybe your attention span is shorter and you don’t bother to memorize details, since you can always look them up. Maybe you have pain in your neck or thumbs from texting.
Next, imagine yourself at the end of your breakup. What would you like your new relationship with your phone to look like? What would you like to have done or accomplished with your extra time? What would you like someone to say if you asked them to describe how you’d changed? Write your future self a brief note or email describing what success would look like, and/or congratulating yourself for achieving it.
Wednesday: Start Paying Attention
The next step is to pay attention to how and when you use your phone, and how you feel when you do so.
Over the next 24 hours, try to notice:
- Situations in which you nearly always find yourself using your phone. (For example, waiting in line, in the elevator, in the car.)
- How your posture changes when using your phone. (Is your back hunching? Do your shoulders tighten up?)
- Your emotional state right before you reach for your phone.
- Your emotional state right after you use your phone. (Do you feel better? Worse? Did your phone satisfy whatever emotional need caused you to reach for it?)
- How and how often your phone grabs your attention (via notifications, texts, and the like).
- How you feel while you are using your phone—as well as how you feel when you realize that you don’t have your phone.
- Moments—either on or off your phone—when you feel some combination of engaged, energized, joyful, effective, and purposeful. When that happens, notice what you were doing, whom you were with, and whether your phone was involved.
- How and when other people use their phones—and how it makes you feel.
Lastly, I’d like you to choose several moments in your day when you seem to pick up your phone the most often, and see if you can identify a consistent trigger that makes you repeat this habit. For example, maybe you check your phone first thing in the morning because you’re anxious. Or maybe it’s just because it’s on your bedside table. Maybe you check your phone in the elevator because everyone else is also checking their phone. Maybe you check it at work because you’re bored with whatever you’re supposed to be doing.
We’re not trying to put a judgment on any of these triggers; we’re just trying to become aware of them so that we can begin to identify patterns. Personally, I’ve noticed that while it can initially be pleasant, I hardly ever feel better after I use my phone—an observation that has helped me catch myself when I’m about to pick it up out of habit.
Thursday: Take Stock and Take Action
By now, we’ve tracked our phone usage for a few days. Now that we’ve gathered this data, let’s analyze it.
1. Look at the results from the tracking app you installed
The tracking data may not be entirely accurate, but that’s okay—we’re just trying to get a general sense of how our guesses match up to reality.
How many times per day did you pick up your phone, and how much time did you spend on it? How does this compare to your guesses? What, if anything, surprised you?
2. Notice what you’ve noticed
Next, review the list of questions from yesterday and consider what you’ve noticed over the past 24 hours about when and why you typically use your phone. What patterns did you notice? What, if anything, surprised you?
3. Create your first speed bump
One of the most effective ways to regain control over our phones is to build speed bumps: small obstacles that force us to slow down. By creating a pause between our impulses and our actions, speed bumps give us the chance to change course if we decide we want to take a different route.
This first speed bump is an exercise that I call WWW, which is short for What For, Why Now, and What Else (you might want to consider putting “WWW” on your lock screen as a reminder).