Early in my recovery from addiction, I attended the wedding of an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. I arrived at the event alone and was standing by the bar when an ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, who I had only met once before, approached me. She noticed I was sipping water, and it seemed to really bother her that I wasn’t indulging. She said hello, then immediately launched into, “Why aren’t you drinking tonight?” She didn’t know I was in recovery and I wasn’t comfortable sharing, so I just said I was good with water and that I liked her dress, thinking that would be the end of it.
It wasn’t.
Later we found ourselves in a group together, and she “jokingly” asked why I was being such a prude. At that point, I realized she was already pretty tipsy (as was most everybody), and this situation was starting to feel like a threat to my recovery. I didn’t think I’d give in, but I didn’t feel safe, and it didn’t feel healthy for me to continue to engage with her. For whatever reason, my mind flashed to the Homeland Security Advisory System—you know, their “threat level” colors—and I began mentally evaluating where I thought we were. Threat Level Green? Oof, we’re past that already. I tried to laugh and change the subject an hour ago, but that didn’t work. We’re clearly at Threat Level Yellow now—she’s getting pretty drunk, and emboldened by the presence of her friends. In the moment, I said something dismissive like, “I just don’t feel like drinking tonight,” and left to talk to someone else. But I was on higher alert now, anticipating this wouldn’t be the end of it.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, the woman approached me again—this time with my ex in tow (who at least had the decency to look embarrassed) and two shots in hand, insisting I do one with her. This is Threat Level Red, Melissa, I thought to myself. If she doesn’t chill out, I’m going to have to leave. I don’t want to feel pressured to share my recovery status with a room full of strangers—or worse, take a drink I don’t want. I again declined, threw a pointed look at my ex, and walked away.
