I’ve heard it said that a person might recommit to the same partner many times in the course of a long relationship. I’ve often found solace in that idea as my marriage has evolved over nearly two decades, marked, as long relationships often are, by things like having children, job changes, and illnesses. But the one change that threatened my relationship the most was my own journey of personal and spiritual growth.
The desire to explore my inner world has always been woven into who I am. But in my twenties, as I focused on my career and finding a partner, I tucked that part of myself away. It didn’t seem to have a place in the life I was creating. When I became a mother, though, this part of myself re-emerged, and it quickly widened a gap between me and my husband. He couldn’t relate to much of what I was exploring and wondered what happened to the person he married.
My husband and I have found our way back to each other again in the years since, but I’ve come to learn that our experience is quite common. I started wondering: What is going on here? What happens if one partner goes on an inner journey of exploring mindfulness or a similar path of growth and development…and the other one doesn’t?
Are Women Really From Venus?
Though this experience can happen between people of any gender, I noticed it was especially common in heterosexual relationships, and that it was the woman who was embarking on a growth journey. It all seemed a little cliché—like the trope about men being from Mars and women from Venus. And yet I wondered: Is this a gendered experience? This question—and all the subsequent curiosities that were arising for me—prompted me to reach out for answers.
Psychologist Thema Bryant, PhD, author of Matters of the Heart, says there are indeed differences in the way we engage in personal development and spiritual seeking: “Women and people of color have higher rates of spirituality and religiosity. We see that cross-culturally.” She notes that this is partly influenced by social norms: “Men can experience this socialization that you shouldn’t rely on anything else, that you have to be the ‘logical one.’”
All of the women I interviewed about this phenomenon affirm this. They describe their partners as people who highly valued being practical and logical, and agree this played a part in their unwillingness to explore the as yet uncharted territory of their inner lives.
Nick Cardone, a therapist who specializes in working with men, says there’s more than “unwillingness” at play here: “Exploring your inner life is like saying ‘I want something to be different.’ That can feel too vulnerable for men who are socialized to not show any weakness.” Cardone, who works with men in non-traditional, nature-based settings, also shares that “The available options for inner growth often don’t resonate for men, and that contributes to their avoidance.”
Social norms are but one thread in a tangled web of influences shaping our desire to seek inner growth.
Social norms are but one thread in a tangled web of influences shaping our desire to seek inner growth. Another has to do with our long history of turning inward, as well as toward the ineffable, when we want to feel more powerful and more in control of our lives—especially when we’re faced with challenges. But due to intersecting systems of oppression based not only on gender but also race, sexual orientation, ability, and more, not everyone has the same access to power, and not everyone has the same experience of life’s challenges.
Carmen Spagnola, a somatic attachment practitioner, explains: “When we embark on a spiritual path, I think we’re fundamentally seeking safeness and belonging. If you’re someone who has survived in a world that wasn’t made for you, of course you crave this. If you’ve lived in a world in which systems, spaces, and dynamics are centered around the affirmation of your worth and belonging, you’re not likely to seek something you already experience just like oxygen.”
What else may be happening here? Perhaps women pursue personal growth because they often hear societal messages that they are not enough as they are. Perhaps it has something to do with a multi-billion-dollar wellness industry that primarily targets women. The list is endless—but suffice to say that there’s a noteworthy gendered pattern at play in this phenomenon.
Why Do Couples Drift Apart?
Like me, the women I interviewed had thought they could tuck the spiritually curious part of themselves away in relationships that didn’t seem to have a place for it. But then something sparked their journey of growth. For many, it was becoming a mother—a transformation that is well known for catalyzing inward reflection. For my friend Martha, it was a period of debilitating illness that ignited her search for deeper meaning.
Bryant reminded me of a proverb: “How can two walk together if they don’t agree?” and that was my next question. How does a couple move forward if they don’t share a curiosity about cultivating their inner lives—if they can move forward together at all?
Martha shares that the differences growing between her and her partner were irreconcilable. “I either had to fit myself back into a box so I could be in that relationship, or I had to forge my own way.”
I met many people for whom these differences in spiritual and personal growth signaled the end of their relationships. For those people, Bryant offers reassurance: “Don’t have shame about wanting more; about how important this is to you.”
What If We Want to Stay Together?
Several of the people I spoke to wanted to try to stay together despite their differences. They and the experts I spoke to suggest three key practices that can help: mindful non-judgment, communication, and acceptance.
- Mindful Non-Judgment
A relationship’s ability to withstand differing personal growth journeys depends on how your partner respects and values the path you’re on, Bryant says. Almost all of the women I spoke to who were still partnered say that, though their partners were passively supportive of their ever-deepening inner lives, they themselves felt shame, and kept this part of themselves from their partners. Asked about whether she feels like she has to hide her emerging spirituality from her husband, Tara, who videoconferenced with me at her kitchen table while her kids were at school, says, “Oh, a hundred percent.”
Here’s the thing, though: Our partners and others around us stand to benefit greatly from our paths of self-inquiry. They benefit from our enhanced ability to do the often invisible emotional labor, like staying cool when your in-laws visit or explaining to your kids what happened to the dog after it died. If you’re the partner of someone whose inner journey has diverted from yours, try to maintain a stance of non-judgment and curiosity. Do more than just passively support your partner; ask what they’re learning about themselves and what this means to them.
Tara says that when she’s feeling disconnected from her partner, it also helps to be more mindful of their similarities. “I notice what he does well. He’s a good father, and he’s emotionally attuned.” Being present to the things that are still working well in your relationship is something both partners can do, and it’s a potent medicine for when differences are emerging between you.
- Communication
Bryant also emphasizes that it’s important to share your experience with your partner. Indeed, most of the women I spoke to cite vulnerable, honest communication as one of the things that has helped them negotiate their differences the most.
Spagnola suggests that nonverbal communication can be even more powerful in reconnecting a couple that has drifted apart. “The way that I would encourage people to connect is through contact nutrition,” she says. Contact nutrition is a way of connecting nervous system-to-nervous system with your partner through things like a kind gaze, safe touch, and shared rhythms such as making dinner together. “Contact nutrition is to secure attachment what vitamins are to a healthy diet.”
“Acknowledge that your relationship might be going through a season where you’re out of step with each other.” – Sarah Wildeman
- Acceptance (Maybe)
Relationship expert Sarah Wildeman advised an equanimous approach rooted in acceptance. “Notice where there are differences and let that be neutral. Acknowledge that your relationship might be going through a season where you’re out of step with each other.”
Acceptance of the differences between you and your partner may indeed be a positive path forward—or not. Ultimately, both of you must be willing to find ways to respect and understand each other, even when you don’t always see the world the same way. The best part? Your growing inner awareness will help you trust that you’ll know what’s best for you.
Sole Mates?
“One person can’t fill all your needs.” So said Delphine, a middle-aged mother of two, framed by a florid pomegranate wallpaper background when we connected on a video call. Having spent many years as a single parent, Delphine said she weighs the benefits of staying with her partner versus trying to find someone whose growth path parallels hers. She’s decided she is willing to accept the differences she and her partner are navigating in order to stay in their otherwise secure, fulfilling relationship. “Ultimately, we’re better together.”
Almost all of the people I spoke to who were still with their partner echoed these same sentiments. In a hyper-individualistic culture that centers the nuclear family, it’s worth considering whether we’re asking more from our partnerships than any one interpersonal relationship was meant to offer.
A friend of mine recently used the term “emotional non-monogamy” to refer to the ways she found deep personal and even spiritual fulfillment with friends in ways that she couldn’t find with her partner. In this way, perhaps we can think of our relational lives as ecosystems that benefit from just as much diversity as the webs of interconnection in the natural world.
